Not "wanted", mind you, because we're perfectly happy as we are thank you very much, and the intrusion of your probably substandard personality will disturb the delicate balance of our domestic world.

But we don't have the spare six grand to cover rent on a study-come-guest-room-come-entertainment-suite, so needed you are.

Needed: one flatmate, for "double" bedroom in charmingly rustic maisonette with three charmingly rustic students, and the unemployed one we leave at home to keep the sofa warm.

Bedroom is fully furnished in the latest chipboard styles popularised by Argos Autumn/Winter 1992.

Unfortunately, no room to swing a cat (pets prohibited), but there may be space for a small hamster hoedown if you promise not to tell the landlord.

From the original sash windows there is an idyllic view of all the nice, proper, grown-up houses in the road – reminding one, perhaps, of Oscar Wilde's assertion that "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars".

Or maybe just of how screamingly skint you are.

Best keep the curtains closed.

Needed: one flatmate, preferably with a keen interest in the benefits of mould cultivation for scientific research (though we're keen to stress that any new species you wish to bring with you will need to be ok-ed by the Highgate Residents' Association and possibly governmental checks).

Must be open-minded and accepting of our lifestyle choices, whether these be religion, sexual orientation or eating custard from the tin with a straw.

Likewise we will refrain from imposing our belief systems on you, though it should be made clear the successful applicant will be expected to sing three verses of any named Flight of the Conchords song before they sign the contract.

Needed: one cafetière because ours fell down the back of the cooker and now we have to make coffee in a sieve.

If it comes with a person attached, all the better.

The kitchen comes fitted with all modern amenities – mangle, butter churn, fondue set — and one day soon we shall get round to buying that carbon monoxide detector.

Fans of double glazing need not apply.

Needed: somebody who understands how to use the central heating thermostat.

And fuse box.

And can hold calm, patient conversations with BT's Indian call centres without tearing off a banister and using it as a battering ram on the handset.

Because our person who did all three moved out two months ago and we've been living in a state of medieval ignorance ever since.

In return for your practical assistance and general maintenance of the facilities, we bake cake.

Needed: one flatmate. If employed, must be wealthy enough to pay 50 per cent of the council tax, but with strong desire to live in a glorified garden shed where the banisters are held on with masking tape and you occasionally find half an Oxo cube in your bed for no real reason.

Possibly you are taking part in an experimental project for Channel 4?

Get in touch.

We know what you're thinking — "Why, this is all too good to be true!

Surely there must be a catch?

Is there a mad wife in the attic?

Will I be expected to wear an apron and call everybody Sir while I clean out the dishwasher with my toothbrush?"

Well, potential flatmate, the answer is no!

We don't have an attic.

Or a dishwasher.

We do, however, have excellent transport links into the real world, and frequently see Michelle Collins out and about in the village.

You know, she used to be in EastEnders.

The blonde one.

No, the other one.

Never mind.

Rent is a very reasonable £105 a week, though on top of this you would be expected to contribute to the house Happy Hippo fund, ensuring all residents have a round-the-clock supply of Kinder goodness.

No smokers, anal-retentives or anyone who voted Boris.

We look forward to hearing from you.

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